Elden Ring: Miquella's Consort

Miquella :"Alright, my turn. When you choke on water, you've failed at breathing AND drinking."

Alistair :"So I'm just useless?"

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[Bandit's Curved Sword +0 -> +4 (1,612 runes/12 Smithing Stone [1]/2 Smithing Stone [2]

Bandit's Curved Sword+0 -> +3 (1,116 runes/12 Smithing Stone [1]

-

Runes: 13,393 -> 10,665]

"Fuck, finally!" Alistair panted as the Erdtree Avatar finally fell and turned into dust, its essence returning to the Erdtree. Since it was already on the way, well, just a bit off road, he had decided that getting some more Crystal Tears wouldn't be a bad idea.

He just failed to foresee just how annoying fighting a walking tree branch ten times his size which could also shoot annoying ass lasers would be. He could write an essay of how much he hated its delayed attacks.

He only remembered the strategy of getting behind them was the fighting style for Erdtree Avatars when he was halfway through its health bar. But oh well, it prevented him from losing, so he wasn't complaining. He was happy for his rewards nonetheless.

[Runes: 16,125

Opaline Bubbletear

Crimsonburst Crystal Tear]

"That looked annoying." Maliketh hummed as he walked back, a Guardian with his spear stabbed into his head under his paw. Alistair nodded :"Not as annoying as it would be if you hadn't dealt with them before they could join the fight though. Thanks."

"You're welcome, kid."

"Are you alright, Alistair?" Miquella asked, concerned eyes on the swelling that was beginning to form where he was hit with the Erdtree Avatar's giant hammer. His slender fingers rubbed the area around them, his frown deepening at his consort's wince.

But Alistair chuckled :"Don't worry, nothing a good old Flask of Crimson Tears wouldn't be able to fix."

"Haaah, you need to be more careful. It would have been lethal if you didn't use your Flasks quickly during the fight."

The Tarnished's heart melted at his concerned face. He looked so beautiful even when frowning. But he didn't like to see him worried. One hand gently cupped Miquella's cheek, stroking it soothingly :"It's alright, Miquella. I promise. I was just not used to fighting a giant, that's all. And look."

Drinking a sip of his Flask of Crimson Tear, he spread his hands to show the swellings disappear instantly :"See? As good as new."

The golden femboy smiled in defeat as he pinched the noiret's nose :"Haaah, I'm not talking about the aftermath of the battle, sweetheart. I'm talking about what will happen during the fight if you're not careful. There won't –be– an aftermath if things go wrong. But fine, I'll spare you the scolding this time. Just promise to be more careful."

"Promise." He smiled, laughing at the funny way his voice sounded with Miquella pinching his nose close. Causing him to chuckle as well as he let go :"Then shall we continue? Or would you like to take a rest?"

"Nah, I'll just rest on top of Torrent."

"I see. Then let's go. Our business, well, mine specifically, is nearly finished."

"Psh, you're being like that again. I've said it before, getting the Sacred Tears is already extremely important. And besides, your business will always concern me as well."

"Hm, thank you, dear." Miquella smiled :"Then come on, hop on so we can continue. Honestly, the sooner we are done with this place, the better. I got tired of the neverending rain ages ago."

Alistair sighed as he sat behind him on Torrent :"Ain't that the truth. But well, there are still a few useful talismans in this place. Luckily, they are few. We already have two, two more we can get on the way to the Fourth Church of Marika, and only two more will be left. Those two are in Castle Morne, so we don't have to venture around anymore either."

"Oh, that's good to hear! Then let's continue." He smiled at the arms around his waist and the chin on his head as he led Torrent.

-

"Goddamn, look at the size of that thing..." Alistair's mouth opened in shock, hand guarding his eyes from the rain as he looked at the absolute monstrosity in the distance. He knew he would be shocked when seeing a Walking Mausoleum, but he was just speechless. It was humongous. Simply ridiculous. How could a walking mountain with a bell hanging from it be described as anything else?

"Marvelous, no?" Miquella smiled beside him :"Reminds you that even though Queen Marika was an awful person, she was still a god. Although she disposed of the children that left her disappointed, she still at least didn't let them have a pathetic aftermath. It was for her own image, but still, look at what she created with her own hands."

"Hm, true. But enough enjoying the view. We don't have any use for them now, so let's finish what we came here for."

Walking to the imp statue seal with one Stonesword Key in it, he took out one of his own and inserted it into the keyhole on the imp's head. The seal in the center of the Weeping Evergaol began to glow, ready to be entered.

And that's what Alistair did. His vision blacked out for a moment before he found himself in a sealed space with fog walls locking it from the outside world. The sky turned black, not even the stars showing. The sound of the Walking Mausoleum's bell couldn't be heard either. It truly was a prison. Just a magical one. But hey, at least it wasn't raining here.

He drank his Flask of Wondrous Physics before walking towards the glowing spot in the Evergaol, where a man holding an interesting blade suddenly appeared out of thin air.

[Ancient Hero of Zamor: 2,570 HP]

He didn't waste a second. Sprinting at the prisoner as he hacked and slashed. The Ancient Hero of Zamor swung his hand, creating an ice sphere that blew up to knock back Alistair. But he simply rolled, taking advantage of his iframe (Invulnerability Frame) privileges.

The prisoner frowned at the L1 spam attacks before dodging and kneeling down to blow a stream of icy wind in front of him. The Tarnished dodged to the side swiftly before punishing him for his large recovery time.

'God, I love twin curved swords.' He grinned at the rapidly depleting health bar. The Ancient Hero of Zamor grew alert, going all out as his HP fell below a certain amount. Alistair rolled back as he fell to his knees and enchanted his blade with frost magic, before rising and twirling his blade around, starting phase 2.

Alistair just smirked :"You aren't him, pal. You aren't him." And he proved his words as he dodged his triple swing attacks before starting his assault all over again. L1 spamming and dancing around him like a certain group of slutty ballerinas. (A/N: You understood that reference?)

The Ancient Hero of Zamor tried to use his Zamor Ice Storm as a last resort and managed to create space between himself and the attacker. But the moment the ice storm cleared, was the moment his head was finally sent flying and rolling on the ground. As his body fell to the ground, motionless, it disappeared into dust, leaving only a single item on the ground which disappeared into Alistair's inventory.

[Radagon's Scarseal: Raises Vigor, Endurance, Strength, and Dexterity by 3, but increases damage taken by 10%.

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Level: 40

Vigor: 38 (30+5+3)

Mind: 9

Endurance: 20 (12+5+3)

Strength: 36 (28+5+3)

Dexterity: 22 (14+5+3)

Intelligence: 7

Faith: 8

Arcane: 11

-

HP: 1436 (1,355+6%)

R Armament: 190

L Armament: 180]

He smiled as his vision blackened again. With the prisoner dead, the seal was destroyed and he found himself in front of his companions. Maliketh smirked :"Done?"

He held up the talisman with a grin :"Radagon's lesser nutsack secured as well." Causing Maliketh to wheeze and for Miquella to facepalm :"Haaah, you two are so childish."

But his frown disappeared as he looked at the church so close to them :"We are finally here. We arrived faster than I expected."

Alistair smiled :"Sorry, I thought the cave with the talisman I was talking about close to this Evergaol. It's close, but not on this side."

Maliketh smiled as well :"Well, we can attend to that matter later. For now, we can't keep Miquella waiting any longer, can we?"

Alistair chuckled :"We sure can't. Not after how excited he has been."

Miquella smiled sheepishly, embarrassed, but unable to hide his excitement. He was finally going to become an actual adult, both mind and body. How could he not be excited? But he yelped in surprise when Alistair suddenly swooped him off of his feet and placed him on his shoulder :"Then let's go already! It's not just Miquella who's excited after all, we all are!"

"Haaah, how childish." He smiled warmly, stroking his hair from under the hood protecting him from the rain :'I suppose I can let him carry me like this, even if I don't usually like it. He has earned it after granting me my second most desired wish, after all.'

Maliketh followed them with a chuckle before Alistair turned to him :"Ah, but if I remember right, there should be a few Mausoleum Soldiers around the church. You mind clearing them, uncle Maliketh?"

"Leave it to me, kid." The doggo of death grinned :"You just activate the Site of Grace in there and I'll take care of whatever that would bother us while you do that."

"Thanks, unc!" He grinned as they continued. When the ruin of the Fourth Church of Marika was in sight, Maliketh simply disappeared before the soldiers were dead and gone. Alistair smiled at getting a new set of armor as he walked in, careful to not accidentally slam Miquella to any of the broken walls.

[Mausoleum Soldier Set

Lordsworn's Straight Sword

Brass Shield]

He smiled at the way the golden femboy tensed with excitement at seeing the new Sacred Tear just sitting in front of Queen Marika's statue. He put him down with a smile :"You get the Sacred Tear while I take this Site of Grace."

"Yes!" He nodded excitedly before basically running and picking the golden cup and looking at it with bright eyes. Finally, the final piece was at hand. He couldn't stop the skips in his steps as he walked back to the Site of Grace, humming an excited hum.

Alistair chuckled, pinching his cheeks to pull on his unwavering smile :"Somebody's excited, huh?"

"Hehehehe!" Miquella just jiggled with glee, killing his Tarnished from cuteness overload.

"You two got everything?" Maliketh walked in. Seeing Miquella's blinding smile and the cup in his hand, he chuckled in amusement :"I assume so. Then what are you two waiting for? Take out the other two Sacred Tears and drink them too."

"That's right, Alistair!" The femboy demigod pulled away his hands and put the Sacred Tear in them :"Quick, quick! Take the others out too!" Making the two chuckle fondly. It was rare to see him so excited.

"Of course, baby, of course." Alistair kissed his forehead :"But before that..." He grabbed Maliketh, confusing him before the view changed and they were in the Bestial Sanctum they had first met him :"We shouldn't leave uncle Maliketh in the rain for too long."

"Huh? Why?" The death wolf grew confused, but he regretted his question when he saw the Tarnished's toothy grin that definitely didn't promise anything good :"Unc, I've been waiting for so~ long for Miquella's growth. Believe me, you're going to wait for quite~ a while after I'm done with your dear nephew and leave him thoroughly bre-"

"Alright, alright! I don't need the details!" He frowned as Miquella covered his face in embarrassment :"Fine, I'll just wait here for now. You can go and have as much "fun" as you'd like."

Alistair nodded before sweeping Miquella off of his feet again, grinning as he yelped :"We'll come pick you up after a while then! Bye bye!" And they disappeared with a flash of gold. Maliketh rolled his eyes with a chuckle as he went to his resting spot and laid down to sleep :'I guess a bit of rest from all the traveling is good too.'

(A/N: The time has come, brothers! *Morally incorrect boner* Next chapter, Miquella finally gets his fine ass bred and filled to the brim! Don't worry, I'm going to cook you a five star cuisine that will leave licking the fucking plate ಠ⁠◡⁠ಠ.)