Elden Ring: Miquella's Consort

(A/N: I don't know if I love or hate the Golden Hippopotamus in the DLC, man. The bastard's health is way too fucking much! I don't know who the hell is writing it wrong in the wiki, but that damn thing's health easily goes into 150k around NG+5 and after! I hate that, but I also love seeing the numbers go brrr with my rapid Rotten Breath and Ancient Dragon's Lightning Strike which lets me see how much damage the bastard has taken lol.)

Alistair :"You can steal somebody's pet, wait until they report it as missing, then get the reward money for bringing it back."

Miquella looked horrified :"You... accursed monster..."

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"Mmm, yes, that's the spot..." Miquella groaned into the pillow as Alistair kneaded the small of his back. After having his back blown out so profusely, it was something he really needed. His long golden hair was splashed around him like paint as he hugged his pillow with a comfortable smile, gently groaning and moaning at the movement of Alistair's thumbs :"Ooh~, right there~."

"You're really enjoying this, huh?" His consort chuckled, making him look back with a pout :"Why do you think that is? Maybe if you were a bit considerate my body wouldn't be so sore and my back wouldn't hurt so much."

Instead of biting back, Alistair kissed his naked shoulder instead, gently and with a smile :"I'm sorry, love. I got carried away thanks to how amazing you look. I promise I'll try to be gentler." After the train he ran on his ass, spoiling him rotten was the least he could do.

Miquella didn't expect it, however. He expected a cheeky retort, a teasing comeback, or mischievous reply. But the answer he received made him blush and hide his face in the pillow :"N-no, it's not that. I'm just not used to this, that's why I'm so tired. But I-I enjoyed it, okay?"

The Tarnished smiled fondly against the skin of his shoulder :"I see. Then I won't hold back on loving you with everything I've got, my lovely god."

"Hm." The golden femboy nodded shyly against the pillow. Peeking out of the pillow without revealing his entire blushing face, he tapped the spot next to him :"I'm alright now, so come lay down. You must be tired too, and I want to cuddle."

"With pleasure." He grinned happily, giving Miquella's lower back a tight but gentle squeeze to get rid of all the knots, making him groan comfortably, before laying down next to him. The golden femboy didn't waste a moment before sticking himself to his chest, but mindful to stay laying on his stomach.

"Hey, beautiful. What's up?" Alistair winked, pulling the blanket over them and gently rubbing circles on Miquella's back, making him chuckle :"Oh, nothing special. Just enjoying the amazing aftercare of my beloved consort. What about you?"

"Oh, nothing. Just enjoying loving my gorgeous husband. You know, between you and me," His eyes darted around with a mischievous little grin, as if making sure nobody was around :"He's one amazing guy. He's hella smart, caring, loveable, and can become an actual god! Oh, and now that his curse has been lifted and he's grown up, he's literally the most gorgeous person I've ever seen in my entire life."

"You dork." Miquella chuckled fondly, smiling lovingly as he blushed :"He must be one amazing spouse, huh? You seem to really love him."

"Oh, love would be an understatement. I absolutely adore the guy!" Alistair couldn't hold the smile in as he saw Miquella's legs kicking up and down happily.

"Oh, then you're one lucky fellow to have such an amazing relationship. I can say the same thing about myself though."

"Oh? So you've got a good lover too?"

"Good? He's absolutely amazing! He's kind, gentle, smart when he wants to be, determined, confident, loving, and so many more that I would need hours to recite them all."

He chuckled happily, unable to hold back the blush that made Miquella swoon :"Oh, and just between us two," His eyes darted around like Alistair's from moments ago, making him smile in amusement and curiosity as the gorgeous femboy winked :"He is one amazing partner in the sheets~. An actual beast, with a "package" of one, and just ravages me when he gets his hands on me~."

He was surprised by his straightforwardness. Blushing from being caught off guard before he poked the giggling Miquella's cheek with an annoyed but amused grin :"Miquella~, you little..."

"Hehehehe what's the matter?" He giggled mischievously, his foot gently jumping on Alistair's now :"I'm just stating facts about my beloved, that's all~."

He rolled his eyes in amusement :"Sure, that's fair. He sounds like a pretty perverted guy to me."

Miquella glared :"Hey, no talking bad about my beloved consort." Poking Alistair's cheek scoldingly :"Nobody is allowed to do that, not even himself. Only I can."

He rolled his eyes in amusement again :"Well, that sounds fair."

The golden femboy smiled smugly :"That's what happens when someone is my consort. But yes, he is quite a lewd one. He just can't seem to keep his hands to himself. And now that we've progressed in our relationship, I worry about just what he might do to poor delicate me~."

He rolled his eyes even harder :"Then you call me the dork." His eyes were beginning to hurt. But Miquella seemed to find it humorous :"It's the truth. But hey, it's not like I don't benefit the most from your lewdness~."

He rolled his eyes again and just stayed silent, making his golden femboy chuckled even more. Alistair looked at him curiously :"Hey, Miq, I was wondering, were you rich? I mean, not only were you a son of Queen Marika, a literal god, but you were also able to build an entire city. You must have been loaded, right?"

Miquella grinned teasingly :"Why? Wondering if your God Consort can financially support and spoil you, my beloved consort?"

Alistair smiled :"Nah, not really. I was just curious. I'm going to get hella rich myself in the future, thanks to a very special place, after all. I wouldn't say no to getting spoiled though, you already know that."

Miquella raised his nose smugly :"Well, no need to worry then, my love. Even if I don't have any runes with me right now, my savings hidden in the Haligtree are quite a lot."

"Oh? I'm all ears."

"Well, not to be arrogant, but not just even among the children of Queen Marika, but I was also one of the richest people in the Lands Between, if not –the– richest along with Queen Marika herself. Oh, and in the Shadow Lands as well."

Alistair grew interested :"Ooh? Now I'm curious."

Miquella looked at his well trimmed nails smugly :"Oh, I wasn't that rich. Just around... a couple hundred thousand runes. More than half a million. Not much."

(A/N: I considered how much he drops when defeating Promised Consort Radahn as his wealth. Other people's wealth is also calculated like that lol. For example, Malenia has at least 480k runes and Marika/Radagon has 500k runes.)

"...It really wasn't much, huh?" He froze at Alistair's pitying voice.

'No, no, I'm just imagining. There is no way he just said that. Yup, I just heard it wrong. Absolutely.'

"What did you say, my love?" He smiled kindly, but froze up when Alistair comfortingly stroked his head :"It's alright, Miq. There's no shame in being broke. Don't worry, I'll make sure we have all the runes we would ever need."

"Wha- what are you talking about?!" He sprung up to his hands, but winced and fell back at the pain of his abused ass and back :"Ow ow ow, ouch..." Before looking at him with disbelief and a blush :"What do you mean?! That's 500 thousand runes, you know?! Do you have any idea how much that is?!"

"It's alright, baby. No need to be embarrassed. It's not like broke people are few in any world."

"A-and that's just my personal money I could spend without worry! T-that right, m-my savings could put several more hundred thousand runes on top of that!"

"There, there, no need to get worked up, honey. It's okay, I promise."

"Listen to me!" Miquella whined, lips trembling and eyes nearly teary. Alistair quickly stopped :"Okay, okay, I hear you, baby!" He hugged him with a chuckle, cooing him as he kissed and stroked his hair :"I'm sorry for messing with you. I didn't expect you to get so worked up."

"You're so mean... I'm telling you I'm one of the richest people around and you just call me broke..." He sneaked a glare with his face buried in his chest :"My wealth and intelligence were the only things I took pride in back then, you know?"

"I'm sorry, baby boy." He kissed his forehead, making him grumble shyly into his chest :"But... I don't know about the Lands Between's society, but that really is a low amount when it comes to leveling up. Ugh especially in the higher levels..."

He glared, not believing him :"Oh, and how rich were you in the "game?"

"I casually walked around with several million runes in hand." He smirked smugly, tiredness mixed in it. Miquella deadpanned :"...Yeah, I don't believe you."

"You should though."

"That's ridiculous. Do you even know what millions of runes means?"

"Oh, it is ridiculous, but it doesn't mean that it's not true."

"You're telling me that you managed to get millions of runes with just killing while I, someone who might have as well ran a business empire for myself, only had around 500,000 runes saved?! Sure, I spent a LOT of runes on the Haligtree and Elphael, but still!"

"Well... I have a certain place to thank for that... And besides, why would I lie about something like that? You know I'm not a pretension guy. Sure, I show off a lot, but I'm not a liar."

"I... well..." Miquella could only rub his temples, finding truth in his words. Alistair was anything but a liar. Sure, he had secrets, but everybody else did too. He wore his heart on his sleeve. He could only sigh in defeat :"Fine, I suppose that's true.

But still, how is that even possible? Seriously, do you have any idea how much that amount of runes means? If we don't consider the treasuries Queen Marika and I had for our individual kingdoms, we still had a ridiculous amount of 500,000 runes to ourselves.

And that was an amount that was saved in years. Sure, we didn't exactly save every bit of rune, Queen Marika would spend her runes on whatever she pleased to enjoy her time and I had to develop Elphael, but still, we were the richest people around. How is millions of runes possible just from killing..."

Alistair tightened his awkwardly smiling lips :"Ooh, just a little bit of massacre, nothing much..."

Miquella sighed tiredly :"I know it was a game for you, but still, just how much did you kill to have that many runes as pocket money? Wait... if you had kept those runes instead of spending them..." His eyes widened in fear.

He turned to Alistair slowly, hoping he would understand and say that he had misunderstood. He did seem to understand his thoughts, but instead of just laughing at him for thinking such absurd thoughts, he looked away with a thousand yard stare.

"Love..." He covered his eyes again, rubbing his temples slowly, but intensely :"You once told me there's a max level, where all attributes were maxed out at Lv 99. How many runes does that require..."

Alistair smiled, but his smile didn't match the dead light in his eyes :"Oh, nothing much... Just 1.69 billion runes... nice..."

Miquella had to take a deep, shuddering breath from the sheer weight of that number :"This is just... ridiculous..."

(A/N: I forgot to ask in the previous chapter, but did you like Miquella taking the lead👀? Because I sure as hell did, and you can believe there will be more of that happening, ma bruh. Did –you– like it though👀?

By the way, just killed Promised Consort Radahn on NG+6. Wanted to do it with the Dragon Cult Incantations, but that damn bastard has probability manipulation or something, because none of the Ancient Dragon's Lightning Strike hit him! Had to vaporize him with the OG Rotten Breath and Dragonice chads🗿.)