No Such Thing as Good and Evil

Gaelin made his way through the crowded town square at the center of Alessandria. The square was flooded with people shopping at various stands and stalls, but they parted for the towering white wolf in his gold clad armor, letting him walk freely toward his destination. Some people pointed at him, others waved, while a few tried to speak to him, but he kept his stride straight and unwavering until he reached the statue. He walked up to a regular looking human man who smelled of alcohol. The man was looking up at the statue with a frustrated yet somber face. Gaelin turned his gaze from the man to the statue himself. The golden statue depicted Elluin Venali, the Fairy king of Merellien, wings outstretched, holding a sword to the sky in victory while one of his feet was stepping on the corpse of Shade. The plaque of the statue read ‘In honor of Elluin Venali, the hero who freed the world from Shade Night.’

“It must be odd standing in front of a statue in honor of your death.” Gaelin said, not turning his gaze from the statue.

“Must be odd as well having a statue in honor of a man who’s going to lead an army to this very city and slaughter many of the people in it.” Shade replied, also not moving his eyes away from the statue.

“The statue isn’t as much in honor of him, as in dishonor to you.”

“Oh, thanks.”

Gaelin turned away from the statue to look at Shade. He noticed lots of people around them, pretending not to be, but absolutely trying to listen in to their conversation. He let off a small amount of echos and they all scattered like bugs, leaving the pair alone in front of the statue. “I know you won’t do it.” He said.

While Gaelin was now focused on Shade, Shade kept his eyes to the statue, taking in every part of it like he was searching for something he couldn’t find. “Do what?” He said back, though he knew exactly what Gaelin was hinting at.

“Let them die, I know you won’t let them die.”

Shade let out a dry giggle. “When was the last time we talked Gaelin, 40 – 50 years ago? Do you really think you know me still?”

“I do.” Gaelin said firmly.

Shade finally turned his gaze away from the statue to meet Gaelins gaze. “Really?”

“Yes.” Gaelin affirmed.

Shade nodded and debated with himself for a moment. He wasn’t sure if it was from seeing an old friend in Gaelin for the first time in decades, or if it was finally seeing the physical embodiment of what everyone thinks of him in person, but he found his thoughts in an odd place. He wasn’t mad, like he typically got when people tell him how bad or evil he was. It was quite the opposite actually, like the statue had solidified something that he had been denying all this time. In fact, if anything, he was feeling nervous. He hadn’t seen or spoken to Gaelin in decades, but he still thought of him as one of his better friends, one of the few people he cared about. As he stared at the statue, he found himself needing to know what his old companion thought of him, but at the same time, he was somewhat scared of the answer he deep down knew would be coming. After a few moments, he steeled himself, and asked. “If you know me so well, then tell me, am I a good person?”

The question surprised Gaelin, and he wasn’t sure how to answer at first. He thought it might be some joke, or prank Shade was trying to pull. But as he looked into Shades eyes, he could see the intensity oozing out of them, the want from him to hear the answer. Gaelin though wasn’t sure how to answer without making him mad, as he needed Shade to be on his side, to join the war. The last thing he wanted to do was piss him off and have him storm away. He needed to find a truthful, yet vague enough answer as to not make him mad. “I think you always try to do g…” He began to say, but was immediately cut off by Shade.

“That wasn’t the question. I’m not asking political, knight commander Gaelin, I’m asking my old friend to give me his honest opinion. With everything I’ve done in my life, do you think I’m a good person?”

Gaelin paused again, quickly debating how to answer. The answer was obvious though. No matter how many people were watching, or what his rank was, or who Shade was, this wasn’t a conversation between the knight commander of Alessandria and the notorious Black Devil. This was a conversation between two old friends, and his old friend deserved honesty, which is what he would get. He took a deep breath in, then out. “No, I do not.”

Shade nodded to himself again, let out a slightly sad laugh and turned his gaze back to the statue. That was the answer he knew was coming, but was still saddened to hear it. Hearing one of the most important people to have passed through your life, even if it was for a short time, tell you they think your evil, it hurts in ways Shade couldn’t quite explain.

“You asked earlier how somebody could drink for 10 years straight.” Shade somberly said, while once again staring at his own corpse, forever memorialized in gold. “It’s quite simple really. When you try for decades to do what’s right, to be a good person, then one day come to the same conclusion you have. That I’m not, that I haven’t been. I spent so many years trying telling myself I was a good person. That all I was doing was killing anyone and anything I thought was bad, no questions asked. Then anybody who came to try and stop me, killed them as well. I would tell myself I was doing good, and that anybody trying to stop me from doing good deserved it. Then I met Aerith.” He laughed again to himself. “I think you’ve more than likely heard about some of the things I did while I was with her.” He paused for a beat again “How could I not drink? I set out to be a good person, wanting to be different than my father, then my grandfather, yet I’m just more of the same. Maybe worse. My father was a shitty father, but I doubt his closet is overflowing with the skeletons mine is. When people would tell me I’m evil, that I’ve been a bad person, I would get mad, I would deny it and tell them about how hard I tried to be good, how long I tried to be good. But I think I drank, and drank and drank, because deep down I knew. I knew they were all right.”

Gaelin took a moment to take in what Shade had just said. When the two of them were knights together, Shade was a jovial and joking man, never taking anything seriously. Even after the horrific treason he pulled, the few times Gaelin and him had spoken, he was still the same joking and smiling man, his personality never fitting his dark and menacing looks. It seemed in the meeting he was still the same, but Gaelin knew now that wasn’t the truth. It was an act, a hollow husk of a man playing puppeteer, pretending to be the man he once was. The empty eyed broken man standing in front of him was the real Shade now.

Gaelin though had been preparing for this potential war with Merellien for years. He had strategized, trained, recruited and did everything he could to assure victory. But deep down he had always thought it would end in defeat. Their power was just too overwhelming, numbers too big and pockets too deep. Then out of the blue, when war was seemingly right on the horizon, his long thought dead, former ally re-appeared. An ally that just so happened to be a race Merellien was subjugating. An ally that just so happened to be so strong, he could wipe out entire armies on his own. By the glow of his eyes, it was clear Gaelin was a man of faith, and he truly believed now after Shade had brought back not one, but two princesses to safety, that the gods or fate or whatever was out there had brought Shade back to his front door. While Shade seemed reluctant, looking for excuses not to join the war, Gaelin wasn’t going to give up so easily. “Then why not kill yourself?”

It was Shades turn to be surprised by a question and he turned back to Gaelin. “What?”

“You heard me, if all you’re going to do is be depressed, and mope around drinking all day, why not kill yourself?”

“You think I should?”

“No.” Gaelin replied, shoving a finger into Shades chest. “I think you should stop feeling so fucking sorry for yourself. I’m not going to give you a long and corny speech like you see in books that the queen is probably reading as we speak, but I’ll just say this. You’ve committed many atrocities in your life, you’ve spilled so much blood, and nothing is ever going to change that. Not drinking, not crying, not moping around. There’s no forgiveness for the things you’ve done. There’s no atoning for the things you’ve done. You’re past will never change, no matter how far you run from it, or how hard you try to drink it away. But unlike the people you’ve killed, you do have one thing still going for you, you’re still alive. It’s true, I don’t think you’re a good person, I think this statue of you dying is more than well deserved. But I also truly do believe that you want to be a good person., that you tried to be, but lost your way somewhere along the line.” He paused for a beat. “Soon, this city might be burning to ashes while an army from Merellien marches down the streets. Everyone thinks I’m crazy asking you for help, but I think they’re the ones who are crazy. My job is to protect this city and kingdom the best I can, and I’ll do anything and ask anyone I think could help. And right now, I’m not asking the treasonous, murdering black devil for help. I’m asking my old friend, my companion, the man I know wants to be good, to do some good for his old stomping grounds, one more time.”

Shade stared at him for a brief moment. “I thought you said you weren’t going to give a long speech.” Gaelin snorted as a brief flicker of the man he once knew seemed to spark in the empty husk. Shade then though turned a somber look back to his statue. “That good you speak of though is killing how many innocent people? The Merellien soldiers, you think they’re all bad? I’m sure most are just regular people seeking a salary, and I’m meant to just mow them all down?”

“You know as well anybody that sometimes to do good, some bad has to be done.” Gaelin replied softly.

“I do.” Shade nodded. “I also know that exact thinking is a path that leads you to where I am right now. You cross the line, but tell yourself it’s ok, sometimes you have to cross it. Then you go a little further, no big deal it’s just a little worse. Then you go a little further, and further, each time you just slightly move your own morals and values further away from what you believe, always telling yourself it’s ok, it’s for the sake of good, so what’s the problem? You wonder why everyone in the world suddenly hates you, why they would build a fucking statue in honor of your death. You just can’t understand it, why can’t the world see what you’ve been trying to do? Don’t they know that sometimes to do good, you have to do bad? Then one day you turn around, curious to see how far from the line you’ve moved, and you realize you’ve gone so far you can’t even see the line anymore. You don’t even know what the line is anymore.” He turned back from the statue to look at Gaelin once more, who was surprised to see Shades eyes glistening, like he wanted to cry, but couldn’t for some reason. “You’re right Gaelin, I don’t want to just sit around as dragons die. But I’m scared of what I’ll do if I join the fight. My line is long gone. When I first met Faylen, we were attacked by some bandits. I captured one of them, took them behind a tree and raped them. I raped someone. You know what I felt afterwards while Faylen was yelling at me? I felt nothing. I still feel nothing. I know I should feel awful, I should be ashamed, yet I just didn’t care, and I still don’t. How terrible is that? You say you’re asking your old friend for help, but your old friend is long, long gone. I might still be alive, but the Shade you knew is dead. I still like thinking that I’m him, I still like to pretend, put on a mask and tell some jokes. But the real me nowadays pokes through when I get involved in fights, in conflicts, just like with the bandit.” He turned back to the statue again, looking at the words written on the plaque. “I’m an emotionless killer, the black devil, a walking calamity. That’s who I am.”

“That’s not true!” Gaelin responded, knowing he needed Shade to jolt out of this mindset if he had any chance of convincing him to join the war. “The real you is the one who saved Vestelle, the real you is the one who tells jokes no matter the situation. The real you is the one that walks into a meeting with knight commanders, and immediately starts reminiscing about sleeping with one of them. That’s the real you. You can re-establish your line, you can go back and step across it. I can help you!”

Shade smiled as he turned back to Gaelin again. “No, you can’t. There is no re-establishing the line. I can make a fake one in my head, but that’s all it’ll be, fake. I won’t actually believe what it stands for, and the second I need to, I would cross it. I know I would. I appreciate your worry Gaelin, but I don’t think there’s any way back for me.”

“What then?” Gaelin said throwing his arms out. “You’re just going to let all those dragons die and be enslaved. Let Merellien take over the world because you’re scared of how far you’ll go if you try to stop them. Just sit in a bar somewhere pretending none of it exists?”

Shade didn’t answer the question. He knew Gaelin was desperately trying to save his kingdom, and while Gaelin only pretending to care about his mental health was a little annoying, he could respect someone who would put anything on the line to save his people. That was who Shade himself had set out to be. In fact, this seeming innocuous moment seemed more like the culmination of his life. A visual representation of his failures. On one side there was Gaelin, standing tall and proud in his golden armor, cape blowing in the wind, trying to find any way, any avenue he could to protect people. A visual representation of the man Shade had aspired to be. Standing next to Gaelin was a statue which depicted a dragon being brought to heel for the countless atrocities it had committed throughout its life. A visual representation of who he had actually become. There was no more running from it, no more drinking it away, right in front of his eyes was reality.

Shade knew that Gaelin wouldn’t quit trying to convince him to join the war, a war he really didn’t want to join. He was just now beginning to come to terms with his past, with who he really was, and the last thing he needed was any more regrets. There was only one way to end the conversation, the thing he was going to do anyway, leave. “I’m sorry Gaelin, I really am. Trust me when I say there’s nobody who wishes I wasn’t this way more than me. It was nice seeing you again.” He said, putting his hand out to shake.

Gaelin peered down at the hand before looking back up. His passion quickly melting away as some confusion began to mix in. “You’re leaving? Right now? What about Faylen?”

“The goal was always to get her here, introduce her to you, and get her into the academy where real teachers could help her.”

“You’re just going to leave though; you’re not even going to say goodbye?”

Shade smiled again and pulled his hand back. He did feel bad about not saying goodbye to her. Over the short time they were together, their relationship had slowly grown. While it started as an alcoholic drunkenly purchasing a slave, he thought of her as a friend now. One of the very few he had. But the sober reality he had finally come to was the one he had known for a while; he was a mess. Only now finally admitting to how awful his past was, and how terrible he had become as a person, he was lost. He didn’t know what he should be doing, where he should be going, or if there was even anywhere in the world left for him. Faylen needed someone better than him, she deserved someone better than him, and he thought, honestly, if she forgot about him, there’s a good chance that would be for the best.

“I’ve never been good at goodbyes, and knowing her she would try to follow me. Even if I told her not to. She needs real teachers, real guidance, real people to look up to. Not a man who was once like her, but took every wrong turn there was. Goodbye Gaelin, I truly am happy to have seen you again.” He then turned around and walked away from the statue, people in the square parting for him, wondering who this human Gaelin was having a conversation with was.

Gaelin went to call after him, but stopped. He clenched his fists in frustration, then sighed. “I guess I have to still keep up my end of the bargain. Who knows even, maybe Aeriths way of getting him to join the war will work, unlike mine.” He then took out a tablet from his bag, and pressed some buttons on it, then placed it to his ear. “He’s leaving the town right now, Southern gate.”

“What do you mean he left?” Faylen asked, incensed. After Shade stormed out of the meeting, Gaelin and Faylen followed shortly behind. But when they left the room, he was nowhere to be found. Gaelin had an inkling of where he had gone, but had Faylen wait at his house and told her he would bring Shade back there. Now Faylen had jumped off of the plush red velvet couch in Gaelins guest room after hearing Shade had simply left Alessandria, and thus her, behind.

Gaelin never brought it up without being prompted, but he himself had married into the royal family. His wife was not from the main family line, and like Vestelle, had pretty much no chance at the crown, but she was technically a princess, thus he was technically a prince. Though he preferred to be talked to as a knight commander, he was now Gaelin Tornala and his house was more like a mansion. There was no room that exemplified this more than the guest room they were in right now. It was a mix between a meeting room and a bedroom. It had a king-sized bed, with red silk drapes surrounding the bed which had purple silk sheets and bedding. The room also had four couches that faced each other around a rectangular marble and glass table. The floors were made from a mix of marble and gold, while the chandeliers were made from all diamonds. The most outrageous part of the room though was the life-sized portrait of Gaelin and his wife that hung on the wall opposite the window looking out into the courtyard. Though from the sneer Gaelin gave it when he first walked into the room, he didn’t seem to be a fan of it.

“Where was that piece of shit heading, I’m going to find him.” Faylen began to walk toward the door, but Gaelin stepped in front of it, blocking her path. “What are you doing, get out of my way.”

Gaelin shook his head. He felt bad her. He really wanted to let her pass, but his plan to bring Shade into the fold had failed, and failed miserably. Not only had Shade not agreed to join, but surely his reputation within the knights and the castle would take a hit from him even wanting to ask Shade to join. His only hope now was if the more direct approach Aerith wanted to take worked, and he couldn’t have Faylen get involved, especially considering the danger. “Sorry Faylen, but the reason he gave me for not saying goodbye was he thought you would follow him, even if he said not to.”

“Of course I would, classes don’t start for a few more months, now get the hell out of my way and tell me where he went.”

“I don’t know where he went.” Gaelin said, not moving from the spot.

Faylen thought about forcing her way past him, but she could tell that just like with Shade, Gaelin was much stronger than she was, at least right now. If he didn’t want her leaving the room, she wouldn’t be going anywhere. She growled in frustration at the combination of her own weakness, and Shade leaving without saying anything. She walked back to the couch, sitting down on it harshly. “So that’s it then. That’s how little I meant to him.” She said with a stuttering voice. “He saved my life, helped cure my curse, train me, then helped me get into an academy.” She shook her head. “But I never actually mattered to him. I was like a hobby, a curiosity, an itch to be scratched. It was silly of me to think otherwise, nobody has ever actually cared about me, why would he?”

Gaelin slowly walked over to the couch himself, and sat next to her, putting his arm around her. “That isn’t true. He does care about you in his own way. It might not be love like for a significant other or child, but he does care, he’s just lost. You’re still trying to find who you are, where you fit in this world, what you want to do in this world. He though thought he knew who he was, but now he’s confronting the fact that he didn’t, that he never has.” Then both of them shot to their feet and looked out the window as a huge surge of dark echos could be felt coming from far south of Alessandria. Gaelin immediately turned back to her. “I think we now know where he is.”

In a rush, Faylen went to leave once more, but was blocked by Gaelin again. “What are you doing, he’s in trouble, we need to help him.”

Gaelin shook his head. “He’ll be fine, its nobody he can’t handle.”

“How do you know that?” Faylen asked narrowing her eyes.

“Because I sent them after him.”

Faylens blood began to boil. “What! You sent people to kill him?”

“I did.” Gaelin replied. “Like I said, it seems he’s been running from a past he refused to accept as fact for a decade, only now starting to confront it. But we don’t have time for him to go on a long soul-searching journey, war is breaking out soon. We need him to join the fight if we are to win. Him no longer running from the past isn’t good enough, we need him to start fighting for the present.”

“So you sent someone to kill him? How does that make him want to fight for you.”

“Because of who we sent.” Gaelin then turned and looked back out the window. “It wasn’t my idea either, I’m not a fan of it myself, but Aerith thought he needed to come face to face with the present again, the reality of dragons lives right now. The thing he’s pretending to not care about enough to join the war. And judging by how strong that surge of echos was, it seems her plan may have been right.”