She Returned as a Vampire

56 – As You Like

I tried to deny it and run away, but in the end I was put in place.

No,

Further down.

I hurt him again.

No, he almost killed him.

Where do you look better?

Where do you see that he is happier?

How many more times will I have to make him unhappy?

From the moment I decided to date him until now, he has lived only for me,

For me alone.

For my pleasure, for my own satisfaction.

There is not a single thing that has been done for him.

Forcibly committing it was to apologize for what I had done, but

He didn’t like it.

I left home to protect him, but

His memories are completely ruined.

The reason I used magic the moment the village burned was because I didn’t want him to feel too sad, but

It turned out to be an opportunity stolen.

I dreamed of occupying the mansion and living a happy life with him,

You took away his freedom.

…

But he won’t let me go.

On the contrary, he said it was okay, and he kept trying to hug him.

…

I dare not say anything about the kindness that knows no bounds.

I am the only one who receives the heart that wants to be a place I can rely on.

Without even the ability to dare to repay…

It would be much better for him not to try to do something.

I’m sure it would be much better for him to live with him, just as he wants.

…Niel says he will find happiness and live with me somehow.

It must be for him to answer with all his heart.

I won’t approach you recklessly anymore, and I won’t do anything that could hurt his heart.

I will live my life listening to only what he wants.

…This blood.

Like oil filling a lamp so that the fire of my life does not go out.

Why is he so incompetent to me?

In my heart, which is like a crappy bowl that leaks when filled,

Is it because I can’t fill it to the point of overflowing like this?

No, no… That’s not a bad thing.

The bad thing is that I took that love for granted.

And now, I tried to take away his love, saying I would pay it back.

Just being grateful for the love he sends,

He would have been satisfied with that if the light was brighter for him.

…If I can’t even do that now, I might lose him forever.

The first chance I didn’t cherish because I was stupid.

I almost broke the second chance with my own hands.

Now… It’s the third.

It’s too dangerous. Scared. I’m afraid that it will disappear anytime soon.

I, stupid and selfish, receive his affection properly,

Can I repay you?

It’s so daunting to accept his love right now,

That I can make him happy, no one else?

…Now I’m drinking his fingers and his blood,

The fact that he could turn cold again at any moment.

The cruel reality that could banish me from its embrace…

And then it’s not just me who feels the pain,

…Nevertheless, the fact that he who cared for me had to suffer twice as much.

Even though it was me who had to die,

He pierced the cold wind to find me on that cold winter day,

And I remember that cold body.

Still.

The fact that even the exhaled breath was cold, and the only things I could get from him were cold sensations.

I still can’t believe that the horrific sight that a person who was obviously full of warmth could freeze so cold was real.

…The way I can be by your side must be so simple.

Wherever you go, be by his side.

Let’s live the life he wants, where he wants.

Do the things he wants to do together, and sleep beside him when he sleeps.

Only receive blood when he wants,

When he truly wishes…

Otherwise, there would be no meaning in everything I do.

To realize now that even if you harbor vain greed, it will only become poison to him.

…If I don’t change first, lest he make cruel choices again.

There is no reason for him to change.

I have to change.

You have to be the woman he wants, he wants, and he can’t help but crave.

But I have to let ‘him’ find me…

I can’t go first.

When I approach, there is always destruction at the end.

So I guess I’ll have to wait.

No matter how many times, and no matter how long the wait is.

Even if it becomes a day, a week, a month,

…Even if it’s been a year,

I have to wait.

Until he comes.

I don’t even have the right to approach him anymore.

Who would like a woman who hurts her lover?

…Who would want to embrace a lover who became a monster?

Although I have already asked and answered myself several times that he, only Niel, can do that in this world,

I should have truly understood how embarrassing and disgraceful it is that you only had the courage to change yourself on your third chance.

Please, don’t even think about repeating that mistake like before.

Can I live up to his expectations?

Can I really be a good person to him so that he can smile at me?

The day I seduced him for the first time, once again.

And on the very night he politely declined it,

If only I had just accepted Niel’s words that he didn’t want it and waited for the right time.

No, in the first place –

If only I had listened to him a little more to prevent this from happening in the first place.

If you had honestly admitted that you were wiser than me and followed what he said, a much better future would have been waiting for you.

To have stayed by his side even after doing things that ruined his dreams and my goals…

Certainly, it’s not a dream.

Or what if you’ve already gone mad?

In fact, what if he got tired of me and left me long ago, and now I’m dying in the snow?

Or are you fantasizing because you’ve gone mad and locked yourself in your room?

What if all of this is just a desperate attempt to run away from reality?

I don’t know. I don’t think I can say for sure which one is right now.

Is it realistic that he loves me in the first place?

A person so dedicated, what is missing is that he keeps me…

I don’t know, I don’t know.

But if he’s right to give you another chance,

And even if not –

My job has already been decided.

I can’t give up the expectations he gives me.

***

I can’t stay in this mansion any longer.

No matter how much the personnel told her to get scared of her and keep silent, it is a place that four people already know about her.

The fact that none other than the wealthy knights and the church’s watchmen knew of it was putting a lot of pressure on me.

Of course, one of them has a personal relationship with me, but what about the other three?

And if the other one continues to be questioned for that reason, they will have no choice but to confess in the end.

…Because the bond between people who don’t love each other is weak after all.

For this reason, I had them dispose of the things in the mansion, and they dispersed after paying for everyone’s travel expenses.

Some of them were confused, not knowing what to do if they could no longer maintain their positions, but –

How about making them look for new blood relatives? I thought.

Because I think other blood relatives will be able to recognize the blood of blood relatives, I wrote a request to take good care of the servants.

After receiving each name and signature, I cut each of Elena’s thumbs and me, and then put a jijang.

…If we do that, at least some blood relatives will be accepted, or other blood relatives will be introduced to us instead.

Of course, he also attached a coin in return to the letter.

There were also some who wished to remain in the mansion.

There was also an old vampire who said he would definitely get rid of the traces of experiments left in the mansion.

While doing all of that – Elena just followed me.

You can say what you think or say you are tired, but –

I was just concentrating on getting what I said right without making a single mistake.

…Furthermore, there was one time when I was forced to sleep because I was writing letters from servants without sleeping.

You don’t even have to ask for my permission to go to sleep, so maybe you’ll endanger yourself waiting for my permission when you have to drink blood.

I really started to worry about that.

Are you aware of my feelings, don’t you know, do you know but pretend you don’t know?

Even though bedtime was almost over, she was still looking for a new place for us to settle down, going through her map and rummaging through the last books the servants had been getting.

“Elena, you know it’s time to go to bed…?”

I thought I was concentrating on it, so I said it cautiously, in a low voice, as if I was downvoting it.

“Oh, yes. Okay.”

Suddenly, she lifted her head, tidied up her desk in an instant, and then quietly came to me lying on the bed.

The process was so smooth and natural, it made it seem like we’ve been living this way for a while.

In fact, it wasn’t long before she ‘reformed’ her own attitude.

“…That, ugh…”

“Come in, quick.”

Sighing, she took a seat next to me with her breath in. She quietly put her head on her pillow and asked her head towards me.

“Should I put out the fire?”

Recently, the fact that every conversation I had with her consisted of questions and answers made me very uncomfortable.

It must have been a form of giving and receiving more than this before.

She had a life where her thoughts and mine were mixed together.

At this moment, all I could see was the way my words piled up one by one in her empty heart.

“Before that, there are a few things I want to talk about.”

“Okay.”

You must be tired.

Because she was digging into small letters and detailed parts of maps, enough to rub her eyes a little,

She was the one who always made me choose her candidate site, even putting all of these things on hold for me.

When I belatedly tried to stop her, she was already asking the servants for a favor.

Then I read books and maps and sat down.

Do what you hate.

You know how unnatural it can be for people.

But she didn’t even look like that.

So…

“Are you tired? Would you like to lay down for a while?”

“…Yes.”

He put her hand on her back as she lay on her back, and began to press it with her thumb.

I followed the hills and valleys where her bones and muscles settled, pressing them down as if they were kneading dough.

“Eh? Ah? Ah…”

Perhaps she couldn’t imagine the fact that her hands were touching her, so she tried to twist her body to get out of her seat-

“Uh, yes… Thanks, Niel.”

Seeing that my hand did not stop, I lay still and began to accept her hand.

…He certainly has his own will and heart.

But she was forcibly swallowing, pressing, and sealing.

So, I decided to do a little more testing.

For example, if she suddenly removes her hand…

“…Is it over?”

She deliberately didn’t answer her words.

Instead, she climbed onto her back with only her hands removed.

Then –

“Thanks… Every time I get it, this time… Can I do it?”

To the extent that I didn’t notice that it was lying down at some point,

There was a woman who laid me on her bed, wrapping me up as if it were natural.

“I won’t do it if I don’t want to receive it. That, but… I wanted to give it to you at least once.

No, so…

It’s been so long… It’s been a while… I feel like I’m receiving it.”

It seemed that a little bit of moisture had come out at the end of her words.

However, because her posture was her posture, she couldn’t face her.

In this situation, it is clear that she refuses her word… She will drive a nail into her already broken heart.

And even though she didn’t have any intention of rejecting it in the first place, just the fact that she offered me this kind of thing made her heart feel like this.

“…Do that.”

It’s definitely something to smile at.

The whole time I was being kneaded, only sniffles filled the room.