Elden Ring: Miquella's Consort

(A/N: I can't believe I forgot about last chapter's incorrect comedy, so here, you get two this chapter. And I officially ran out of the ones I could use for this story lol, so now I have to go and look for more.)

Alistair :"Sex is cool and all, but have you ever farted away a stomachache?"

Maliketh :"*Italian hand gesture* Greatest gift upon greatest."

-

Miquella :"Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes first."

Alistair nodded sagely :"Of course. That way, you're a mile away while criticizing them AND have their shoes!"

Miquella :"..."

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[HP: 1,216 -> (Crimson Amber Medallion (+6)) 1,289]

"Is this the place?" Miquella frowned, nearly growling at the disgusting air in the place. There was no smell, it was just the nice smell of the forest, (ignoring the smell of a couple of bodies burning, that is) but the energy he and Maliketh sensed so vividly disgusted them both :"Haaah, yet another result of an Outer God's foolish actions."

"This is... madness." Maliketh growled :"Brought by the Frenzied Flame. How vile. How did a place containing a Church of Marika fall into such a condition?"

Alistair shrugged, chopping off the head of a rat with burning yellow eyes of madness :"I don't know, and it's not important. We should just get the Sacred Tear here and go away. There's really not much going on for this place other than that and a Frenzied Flame incantation."

Miquella nodded solemnly :"Right, let's just quickly leave this place. Just being here is extremely uncomfortable." He wasn't even happy about getting another Sacred Tear. He really did hate the Outer Gods.

They continued on their way. Killing the several rats before they arrived at the small village near the church they were looking for, the Callu Baptismal Church in the Ailing Village. An extremely small village, with only a few houses, more suited to be called a camp. But the sight disgusted them even further.

The scene was as eerie as it could get. A huge camp fire was lit, but not for cooking or celebrating, but for burning the humans stuck to a tree lug and stuck into the fire. Surrounding the fire were several more people, seeming to be related to the burning corpses from their matches clothes.

But they had no reaction. They weren't even moving. They were simply stuck in one place, on their knees, holding their heads and leaning back so much their backs were going to break. Their glowing yellow eyes explained the reason.

While Maliketh growled in anger, Miquella sighed in pity, sadness evident in his features :"What a pitiful sight... even death is better than such a fate. A fate of becoming mindless, drooling savages... uncle Maliketh, Alistair, would you please give them peace? They are already too far gone, but we can at least hope they can rest in peace."

"Hm." The two nodded, getting straight to business. The folks frozen like statues twitched when they closed in before they got up. But there was nothing different about them. They only growled and babbled mindlessly, only having enough intelligence to hold their weapons.

They couldn't be saved. Alistair and Maliketh knew that. So they didn't show mercy as they attacked. Quick on their feet and attacks to at least give them quick deaths. They were few in number, not even 10 of them, so they were finished pretty quickly.

Hey, Alistair at least got the Flame Crest Wooden Shield. Not like he was ever going to use it though. Finding the church among the few buildings was easy. Killing the rats inhabiting it and getting the Sacred Tear and The Flame of Frenzy incantation was even easier.

They didn't talk when it was finished. Their moods were sour rather than happy about their findings. They simply found the nearby Site of Grace before Alistair looked at the two :"Do we... rest, or do you want to continue?"

Maliketh looked at Miquella. He wasn't tired and would rather leave the place. But comparing his stamina to his nephews would be stupid. Miquella, with a sour face, nodded with a sigh :"Let's just... let's continue. I don't want to stay here any longer than necessary."

They nodded before continuing. Thankfully, there was a shortcut from a cliff to the bridge they needed to cross, so the road was shorter than what they would need to usually cross. At least they got some other useful materials too.

[Runes: 7,677 ->9,774

Yellow Amber x5

Arteria Leaf x5

Eye of Yelough x6]

In an effort to ease the mood, Alistair kissed Miquella's shoulder with a smile :"Alright, enough moodiness. Come on, turn that frown upside down for me."

He leaned into him, but only sighed :"I wish I could just ignore it like that, my dear. But... it's not as simple as that."

"Then don't keep it all to yourself. If something is bothering you, talk about it. You taught me that and I'm all ears for you."

A small smile appeared on his gorgeous face as he stroked Alistair's hair :"Thanks, dear. It's... it's just that..." His smile was replaced with a sad sigh :"The Outer Gods are as irresponsible as it can get.

They act like children who treat the worlds like their playgrounds, not caring who they hurt and just how many people suffer because of their actions. Not even for a grand reason or a bigger picture, but... just because.

Just look at the state of the village we visited. They had completely lost their minds. They didn't even know themselves, much less the reason they followed the Outer God of Frenzied Flame so foolishly.

And as you already know, me and Malenia also suffered greatly because of them. We weren't directly targeted, but the origin of our afflictions were so close to the Outer Gods that had so carelessly spread their influence to the Lands Between due to greed that the only way to cure my sister was to suppress her connection to the Outer God of Rot.

It's the reason why I sought godhood, remember? To free us from their influence. So that we wouldn't suffer because of their stupid reasons."

Alistair's hold on him tightened, humming gently :"I get you, my love. I understand. But I just don't like seeing you sad because of those assholes. We can't do anything right now, so don't let it bother you too much. If it's out of sight, keep it out of your mind. At least for now. We'll deal with them when the time is right and we are strong enough."

He smiled against his shoulder again, one hand grabbing his prettier one gently and intertwining their fingers fondly :"And remember, I'm with you every step of the way to kick those bastards out of our world."

Miquella finally allowed a smile and a chuckle, turning his head to kiss Alistair's dark hair :"I know, dear. I definitely know. And alright, I understand. I shall try to ignore them as much as I can for now."

Alistair's smile turned into a full on grin :"That's my boy! And besides, shouldn't you be excited about getting another Sacred Tear? You're going to grow even more, you know?!"

"Hm, now that you mention it, I completely forgot." The golden femboy chuckled, looking away in interest :"But you know what? Let's not drink it for now."

"Huh? Why not? Don't you want to grow up quickly?"

"*Nodding* Of course I do. But instead of growing up little by little, one big growth spurt would be more... fun, don't you think?" When Alistair felt him rub his jiggly jello ass against his pelvis, his breath hitched in his throat. His eyes widened before he saw Miquella's hungry look as he bit his pink lip. He grinned, licking his teeth :"Ohh, I think I love that idea, love~."

Maliketh walking beside them smiled, but he also couldn't help but deadpan :'I wonder how effective Destined Death mixed with my new power of invisibility will be.'

-

"So that's where the second Sacred Tear in the Weeping Peninsula is?" Miquella smiled at the sight of the Church of Pilgrimage in the distance. He sighed tiredly, smiling lightly :"Finally, about time we reached another Site of Grace. And hopefully, there won't be any unpleasantries like in the Callu Baptismal Church."

Alistair curled his lips while Maliketh, after a moment of silence, groaned :"Miquella, you just jinxed it..." In the graveyard next to the church, he could see three walking skeletons.

"Huh?" Miquella blinked in confusion, he couldn't see as far as Maliketh after all :"What is the matter this time, uncle?"

"Those Who Live in Death."

"Oh, ugh..." The golden femboy rubbed his temples, sadness and irritation radiating from him :"This... it's even worse." He looked at Alistair who pursed his lips, avoiding his beautiful consort's annoyed gaze :"Is the Weeping Peninsula just intending to make its place as my most disliked location or are all churches with Sacred Tears going to be like this? Was the Third Church of Marika just an amazingly lucky encounter?"

"Huh? No, no! That's not it!" Alistair shook his hands :"The other churches are normal ruins. Well, except just one. But the two in the Weeping Peninsula are just weird. And besides, there's just three of them in this place, so it's not that bad anyway."

Maliketh growled :"All places with Those Who Live in Death are bad."

"Hey, not this one! And don't you disrespect these ones! One of them drops one the second best weapons for bleed builds ever!"

"Wha- they are not going to be excused from my wrath because of a damn weapon!"

"I'm not telling you to excuse them! I was going to kill that one to begin with! I'm just telling you to ridicule that specific one, that's all."

"Oh, that's it?"

"Yeah, that's it."

"Oh, okay, we cool then. Sorry for losing my temper."

"Nah, it's okay. I get why you're mad. Alright then, let's go and kill them."

"You read my goddamn mind, kid. Let's go."

Although he said that, he only spared a boulder for each of them before killing them. To be fair, there were only three of them. And Alistair got the weapons he needed, so all was good.

[Bandit's Curved Sword x2

Human Bone Shard x3]

"Ooh, yeah, now this is what I'm talking about." Getting the weapons which had a 1.5% drop rate on the first try simply felt immaculate. He knew the struggle. He had tried getting them. He had succeeded, but the struggle was just...

(A/N: I paused writing to continue farming this damn sword for a bit. But the first kill I got dropped one lol! Those three dots are my speechlessness.)

But now, as he dual-wielded them, he remembered why he did it everytime. Miquella smiled at his excitement, chuckling at how happy he seemed while swinging them around :"You seem to like your new weapons, Alistair."

"Of course I do! I was always a twin curved blade Tarnished, after all!" He grinned, checking out one blade and biting his grinning lip :"Just look at the length of this thing, damn! Look at the curve, the slick thickness!"

Miquella's face twitched as Maliketh laughed :"Please rephrase that."

"Nah, I know –exactly– what I said. A good curved sword is all that's needed to get me excited. Now we just need to upgrade these babies! Let's go meet Hewg, my beloved blacksmith!"

"Haaah, alright. I suppose we could spare a bit of time." Miquella sighed, but couldn't hide his smile. He really did love seeing Alistair so childishly excited. He wanted him to enjoy his childish innocence as much as he could, after all.

"Alright!" His excited consort cheered before frowning :"Oh, but I don't have enough Smithing Stones... can we visit a mine while we're at it, Miq?" He smiled with pleading eyes, grabbing and holding Miquella's softer hands :"Please? Pretty please? I promise it won't take long!"

Miquella could only chuckle in amusement :"Alright, baby, it's alright. It's not like I'm stopping you from anything else. Then where do you suppose we go?"

"Yes! Don't worry, it won't take long!" Alistair stole a quick kiss, causing Miquella to yelp in surprise.