She Returned as a Vampire

11 – Guilt

To feel responsible for one’s crimes and to be prepared to be punished for them.

That’s guilt.

So that was it.

In order to be punished for my sins, I tried to hurt myself and struggle in pain,

While whipping myself and cursing myself, trying to punish myself for the cruel things I did to you,

Why do you want to bear that pain instead of me?

I hurt you,

It was I who brought you the indelible sin,

And it was I who tormented you with what I did,

Why would you want to take all of that instead? Why?

Why?

I wish I would have stabbed myself with that sword rather than cut off your precious hand.

It would have been nice if you had always bitten me and cursed at me with a kind mouth.

It would have been nice to punish the girl who betrayed your expectations and acted carelessly.

Why are you infinitely kind to this kind of person?

Why?

The more I receive your favor, the more I get scarred on your body. Why, why do you keep covering me?

Why do you keep being nice, why do you give so much love to someone you hate?

Why do you constantly…

Why?

“…Stop it, Niel, please…”

“Drink it. If you spit it out, you’ll ruin what I did. Just drink it. Don’t say anything and drink it.”

To you, who has already cut his hand deeply and continues to bleed,

Am I really no help?

“You’re hurt, stop…”

“If you don’t do this, you won’t drink.”

“To a woman who is not qualified to drink – “

“Blood flows.”

Precious blood,

The sweet and bitter blood he gave me.

My heart hurts every time I swallow a sip through my throat.

I feel like this pain is getting worse.

The wounds on his arms are all healed, but there is a hole in his chest.

I’m afraid that the precious emotions and blood you gave me keep leaking out.

“Enough, enough, enough…”

“…You didn’t even drink enough blood – “

“Ah, please, Niel, stop…! I’ve never been nice to you, why do I…”

Is this how you punish me?

You keep telling me what a good person you are,

Look back at how bad I was?

If that’s your intention, I’d like to let you know that it’s been a really big success.

I was the scum of the world, and you are such a brilliant person.

You shouldn’t even dare to have a heart like me…

But why do I keep opening that wide bosom to me so that I can be embraced by you?

You pour out your hands full of smiles and affection that I shouldn’t have received,

You try to hide your sore hands, why do you want only me…

“…It’s okay. It’s okay.”

Ah,

Ah!

Your arms, why does it look like a ball of fire?

Even just hugging you makes this icy body hot and I can’t stop smiling.

As long as I have you, as long as I can hold you in my arms, I feel like I have the courage to do anything.

So, for you… I’d do anything.

“I’m sorry, Niel. I’m sorry for always being… Such… An ugly person. I love you.”

“…What on earth were you thinking? Huh?”

Ah, of course, Niel,

I did it for you.

“I’m so sorry to disappoint you, Niel, I really do. I’ll do it again and again if you ask me to. Even if I ask you to burn me in the sun-“

“Helena, Elena! Come to your senses, you are strange!”

“No, I had to do this a long time ago. I wasn’t even prepared to capture such a good person, but I was a woman who did ungrateful things, am I?”

Your face, your smile, your worries.

I’m happy to receive all of that.

It feels like it has become your everything.

I am your love, this insignificant, insignificant, vile, non-human monster no longer.

I must have been blessed.

How much courage did you have to love me?

What can I do for you?

“Elena, please. You weren’t like this.”

“Yes, I should have been this kind of person. Ah, Niel… I dare you…”

I will carefully support the injured hand with both hands.

To all of your precious things, dare…

“Side, uh… Side…”

Ah, it left a red mark on the back of your hand.

Obviously I’m not qualified for this,

Are you a human who smiles and accepts my kiss?

An angel just for me, my savior…

So that the person who hurt me, none other than you, can dare to feel mercy.

To know what kindness and love are, what true affection is,

You are truly…

For you to love me like that, it must be a dream.

In fact, I was already stabbed to death in that cave, and I was willing to accept that fate even if I were to die thinking about what I had done to you.

You are too good for me and you are like an angel.

I can’t believe this even happened to me.

But I can’t help but believe it.

If you deny this moment of continuing to create debt while feeling grace with your whole body,

That itself would be another sin.

If there is a way to repay you, I will find it.

You know how true this feeling I feel,

If only I could let you know that I’m not lying to you…

“…What would you like me to do for you?”

“Don’t do anything. Especially don’t do anything like this.”

“Muri, I have to do something. You’ve done so much for me, but it’s a sin for me not to do something for you.”

“It’s okay. Seeing you, I can’t even ask the question I was trying to ask.”

“…Yeah, if that’s what you want, I’ll answer.”

“Wait – “

“I only have you. Do you want to see?”

I can show you how many times I’m naked by unbuttoning the buttons on my clothes one by one.

“I’ll show you as many times as you like, whenever you want. Whether it’s cold winter or outside, if you want, only to you.

You see this? My neck where you left marks again and again, my soft breasts that you loved.

My tummy and navel that you always looked at and blushed. Will it still be beautiful? I think I’ve gained a little more muscle, hahahaha…

And my waist, pelvis, hips, and…

Here.

Do you want to see it?”

“Helena, put on your clothes. Don’t embarrass people – “

“I’ll wear it, but not now. Listen.”

If I take his hand and put it on my belly…

“Ah, heh…”

A surprisingly hot feeling rises from where you touched it.

It shakes the brain with the thrill of soaking in a warm hot spring.

If I could slowly take that hand and wrap it around my soft breast…

Ah, such a beating heart.

That I am still alive,

Let me know that I like you.

“Can you hear? This heartbeat. Can you feel it? That my heart is only for you.

I only have you. It is only in front of you that I can show such an absurd appearance,

Be honest only in front of you.

Even though it may not be for you, no matter how much others want it…

I have only you in my heart,

Even now, this body only belongs to you.

My eyes know only your naked body,

I only know you.

And this is a fact that will never change. A fact that will never change.”

“…Helena.”

“If you like a country like this, if I’m still the right person for you… It’s okay. No, I’ll ask you. I’ll beg you like this.”

Kneel down in front of you and hold your hands.

When I put on the pod, your pounding heart runs through my hands and resonates in my heart.

Do you still love this country?

It makes me look forward to it. Even though I know it shouldn’t.

Even though I know that I have to completely entrust myself to your choice.

“Will you hug me? If I were still your girl, would you make sure to leave a mark once more?”

This is the best seduction I can do.

Perhaps the most precious thing I can give you.

It’s too embarrassing, too embarrassing,

If only I could get your love, I would do it again and again.

More hotter than before, much darker,

If I dare to give pleasure to you, whom I have now come to know, with my body,

I’ll show you my everything in front of you again and again.

So…

Please…

Please don’t let go of my hand…

“Not now, Elena.”

“Uh, why… Ugh, no… Ugh… Why?”

You shouldn’t dare ask questions, it’s your choice,

It’s clear that I don’t even have the right to make a choice in the first place,

But I want to ask. Why?

Certainly, you don’t think I’m a dirty person, do you?

You think everything I said was a lie?

No, please, I only have you.

Everything I said was true…

However,

Ah,

Ah…

There’s no way to prove it. There is no…

“It’s not for the reasons you think. But… Not today, Elena. I don’t have the confidence to face you today.”

Ah, you’re giving me another hug.

You believe in me even though you think it’s dirty.

…Whatever the truth, I ended up being that person to you.

But even with that kind of person, you embrace me.

It’s unfair, dissatisfied, but I have no choice but to accept it.

There is no way to prove it in the first place, but I feel ashamed of myself for asking you to believe me.

I’m an idiot for asking you to trust me after already giving you irreparable scars.

It’s shameless, how…

You’ve already hurt him, and you make everything you do go back to his wounds,

What can I expect after destroying trust?

Some stupid, some stupid.

Elena Heartfield, you are the worst.

Of all the people you’ve ever seen, you’re probably the worst.

Rather than trying to win the heart of such a good person, you made it so tattered.