The Love They Never Had

"Let us continue without anymore interruptions now. Who is next?" "I am in charge of kitchen and make-up purchasing, as well as looking after the inner-courtyard and scheduling the night shifts. And I am capable of training the new maids." "In saying so, didn't you get demoted in your work then?" "Young Mistress?" "If you were good at your purchasing job, you would not have been demoted to guarding the courtyard. And if you were any good at that job, you would not have been in charge of training new staff. Why are you unable to stay in one job role?" "Initially, I am quite a sickly person, and my previous Master was understanding and has never let me done any heavy work before. It is a good thing that I asked, or I would have assigned you to some unnecessary tiring task and worsened your illness..." "Young Mistress! I assure you that I have recuperated within the last year or so..." "You are indeed loyal, but the Young Master in particular dislikes his reputation being spoiled by making it look like he is bullying sick servants by giving them heavy work. So unfortunately, this household cannot accommodate you. Who is next?" "Young Mistress, please listen to me..." "Young Mistress, we should continue this tomorrow. There are far too many maids and servants to go through today. Once she has gone through all of your resumes, she will distribute your work in a few days."

I barely manage to get out of the courtyard before I spotted another young maid trying to position herself right outside Seon-Ho's quarters for very obvious reasons. And after what I had already been through today, I didn't mind taking one last person time before taking an afternoon nap, it wasn't like I had anything else to do.

"The Young Master's quarters is a restricted place, why are you here?" "Forgive me Young Mistress, I am just used to doing something everyday. After being idle for so long I get bored easily. So I just found some self-assertive things to do." "So you took the initiative on your own? Who knows what else you are capable of if you have this much time to idle around like this." "Young Mistress?" "By order of the Master of this household, his only son's quarters are off-limits to unauthorised people. It is a good thing that he is busy, otherwise he would have expelled you after whipping you 20 times." Young Mistress? How about I serve in your quarters?" "I already have a sufficient amount of people in my service, I do not need anymore, thank you." "But I can clean, do laundry and..." "I have already told everyone to wait on their work distribution. Are you directly trying to disobey the Nam's Master's orders?" "Forgive me, I..." "Upon coming here, do not use your past work situation to explain your way out of this. Or did you also not listen to your superior in your previous household and that is why you were sent over here?" "Young Mistress, please forgive me! Please give me a second chance! And if you still do not understand this basic principle, then you had better leave now."

I was just about to leave if it wasn't for the fact that I got a glimpse of Seon-Ho himself just staring at me through his door that he had opened so very slightly. And for the very first time since I woke up here, I was starting to feel something very...heavy in my heart. Like a stone had landed in it out of nowhere as long as Seon-Ho kept doing whatever it was that he was doing to make me confused, afraid and forever trapped in his gaze. As far as I knew in that moment, we were both the most neglected, abused and useless people in the village in terms of Confucius. But in this prison of a home, the two of us were sort of...feeding off of each other's energy. Seon-Ho was a lot more calm, cool and collected unlike when I first met him....again. I could tell that he was already working out a plan to free himself from his oppressor. And as for myself, despite the constant games and strategy battles I was coming up with just to survive, I felt like I was his pawn. But it also felt like it was starting to go beyond his schemes inside this home. He was a very intelligent man and his plan was a good one, but what about the fact that my so-called secret identity could be exposed to the neighbours if he put me in charge of running his household? How could he not think about that? I had already heard his father's warning to him as I was waking up, about how he would kill anyone who meets me outside of the home. Unless...was he planning to defy it? So I could be exposed to other people? A home of a lord like Master Nam with a secret like this? Like me? Who wouldn't be curious about it? But then what? What would happen after that? Would I...potentially meet more people? People of my past? Who could fill me in on what I was forgetting? After everything he had told me, it really didn't sound like I was missing out on anything at all. But these headaches that I was getting, these pressing feelings in my heart that really did hurt, and the fact that I could not control how hard I kept blushing at this stranger that I barely remembered...maybe, just maybe the only thing I needed to remember was my past with him. But then what about this so-called brother that the maid mentioned? The best friend and his sister of his past? Who were they? And what did they mean to him? Where they the reason why he always looked so...guilty and depressed?

I was still lost in my thoughts to realise that he was still just staring at me this whole time. And I wanted nothing more than to just reach out to him and pull him into the biggest hug that I could muster. But he slammed the door in my face shortly after, and I had no choice but to wander back to my own quarters alone and more confused and conflicted than ever before. No matter how...bold I could be, I couldn't cross that emotional line yet until I had recovered at least one memory about him.

I was just about to undress myself and take a nap when I saw that one of the chrysanthemum flowers that I had carefully been trying to keep alive had been placed on my pillow. It was a red and dark purple one that almost looked blue. Red and blue. To signify the man and woman's energy...for marriage...

"Young Mistress? The maid would like to see you." "Bring her in before I take a nap. And can you get me something from a physician for my headaches please?" I was still complexly transfixed on my flower and I could barely part from it until the maid made herself more than comfortable in my quarters and started looking around for anything that she liked, which was everything, apparently.

"How may I help you?" "You know, from the very first time that I met you, I could tell that you were a very beautiful woman." "Excuse me?" "And I did approach you with good intentions. But in these last few months, I have gradually found out that as long as you remain in this home, I can never show my full potential." "What exactly do you mean by that?" "You are the one everyone keeps looking at." "Everyone?" "Him." "Who are we talking about?" "You know exactly who I am talking about. The man who cannot stop praising you, calling for you and staring at you like a god-damned animal. And I do not plan to stay in your shadow forever." "I really have no idea what you mean." "He is already risking his life for you with every interaction that you have and you know it. So why? Why is he so drawn to you?" "Because we are family..." "No-one looks at their cousins the way that he does to you. So what it is? Are you in a relationship with your cousin? Do you sleep with him for favours?" "Is that what I need to do? As a woman? Just sleep around with men for favours? For what? Survival?" The look on her face was completely priceless, but it wasn't like could blame her. A lot of women thew themselves at men to become their concubines for financial security and stability. And the women who were thrown out of their households or facing difficult situations could only sell their bodies as there only source of independent income. And I was sick of it; all of their degrading tricks, their low-self esteem, Confucianism who had very little laws to support women of all social backgrounds and the very same women who saw men like Seon-Ho as nothing more but a money-grab when he was clearly capable of so much more, if only he was given a fair chance...

"By the price of my youth, my appearance and everything else that I have, this is how women have to survive. Not everyone has a rich cousin like you do." "Well I am sorry to let you down, but it isn't as if anyone can choose their family. And it isn't like I have got what I want either." "So what do you want?" "I want answers, I want freedom and I do not wish to depend on anyone for a living other than myself." "Are you saying that you wish to be...independent? You do know that goes against our countries law's right? A woman..." "..can only survive on her family's grace or her husband's wealth. As women, we are to be wed as soon as we come of age and we are to help maintain our husband's household and increase it with the babies that we have to have straight away. Having a boy will ensure one's comfortable life in society with a backer to protect you. Having a girl will bring you shame and you will be ridiculed by society. You will either have to marry her off as soon as she reaches the right age or you will have to wait until you marry her off to whatever family brings in the most befits to yours, despite the character of the man you will be marrying her off to. If he is a womaniser, a drunkard, abusive, nobody cares, as long as she is able to produce more babies." "What are you saying? That isn't enough for you?" "That is your idea of happiness, not mine." "So are you telling me right now that if the young master decided to pursue you, you would turn him down?" "I cannot say anything right now, not until I get my memories back." "Is that so." "Yes, it is."